Writer's Journal: Small Stones January 2012

It's such hard going this time! This is surprising, as in the past I've loved writing the small stones, and it's been easy to open to the world around me

I feel this problem this time has to do with Penelope's death. It was 31st December that I felt her energy around me and thought she had died, though I tried to tell myself it wasn't necessarily so. After that I was in limbo, waiting for the confirmation. When it came, I went into grief — which gave me the impetus for some better writing, if not exactly in the spirit of small stones.

Now, I have shut down the grieving because I need to go on functioning in my life. And that means I am shut down to the world around me too; it is impossible to be selective and shut down in one area but keep others alive. I need to go and have a talk with Lisa, I think. (The psychologist I was seeing for a while.) Better than keeping stuff suppressed. Must phone her and see if I need a new referral.

I already posted a note on my Small Stones blog, complaining that the process felt strange this time and that far from falling in love with the world I seemed to be taking a jaundiced view. That wasn't the half of it — I actually felt I was writing shit. When I looked back later at those pieces, they weren't so bad after all. Tonight I feel the same about the latest.  Hopefully that will turn out to be better than I think, too.

But there's a withhold in it. I was writing about the spider that was in the house tonight, which, as the poem says, I 'guided' outside. I didn't say that I communicated with it telepathically and that it responded, following my instructions exactly as to how to get out, after I had first explained why that would be a good idea. Such wonderfully sentient beings, spiders — but how can I out that in a public poem, without going into a lot of explanation? And how could I explain it anyhow in a way that people could accept?

It is even a bit scary writing it here, now that I have made this blog non-private. But I tell myself no-one much will bother reading this; it won't sound interesting. I'll let it stand, though, and brave the possibility. I need to be frank abut who I am. In fact I need to post something in my Cronewyze blog about communicating telepathically with spiders and indeed all creatures — including other people. Maybe I need to write a 'how to' booklet on the subject too.