(I escaped, and would like to help others do so too.)
Recently I was making enquiries of everyone I could, on behalf of ‘my friend’ who urgently needed accommodation. I called her that because she very quickly seemed a friend, lots in common etc., but actually I only knew her a month – and only met her in person once, in a car park when she offered to help me put my wheely walker in the boot of my car (as kind people often do); the rest was all by text and verbal phone calls. It was an increasingly stressful month, when I researched all possible ways to help her, and found a lot, but she always had excellent reasons why they wouldn’t work. Her situation seemed desperate: staying in noisy motel, a lot of drunks as neighbours, not getting enough sleep, money fast running out, plus she was sick with thyroid probs and in the middle of blood tests.
She said she experienced this town as very cliquey and unfriendly – quite contrary to my own experience! ‘It’s as if we live in two different towns,’ I told her. But she said it was different for her, as a woman on her own. I am a woman on my own of course, but I arrived here with my husband and was well established by the time he died 18 years later, so I accepted that explanation. Finally, when it seemed that there was nothing else that would work, she asked, ‘Could I come to you?’ I explained I’m in a Housing Dept unit, only allowed visitors for a few weeks. She suggested (a) we didn’t have to let them know (b) we could say she was a relative; but I told her I was unwilling to lie to the Dept. ‘Maybe there’s a loophole,’ she suggested re the time limit. I looked into it; there was. I could apply to have her listed as an extra occupant. So I agreed to do that. Better than having the poor woman put out into the street, which seemed imminent.
But I felt very sad at giving up my independent lifestyle, which I love – lots of lovely solitude for writing poems etc. – plus I would have to put off a much looked-forward-to visit this month from a dear cousin I haven’t seen in a long time. I phoned a good friend just to share my feelings, not with the idea of changing my plans – but she said, ‘What about house sitting?’ I was rapt, contacted my prospective house mate and changed the offer: instead of living with me permanently, she could come for three weeks rent-free, rest and recuperate, and register with a house sitting agency. I explained that the reason the Housing Dept gave me a unit with an extra bedroom is because all my family members are either interstate or overseas, so I need a room for when they come visiting – which they do. There followed the most dreadful phone call, with tears, yelling and blaming! On both sides – I really was caught in a seeming relationship by then. (Though I must add I’ve NEVER had an altercation as bad as that!) It sent my blood pressure sky high, but fortunately I know how to bring it down fast, also still had to take my evening bp tablet. Then I finally started thinking.
It dawned on me that, far from being able to look after someone else, I was getting sick myself from all the stress of trying to solve her problems!
And, if she was that desperate, why not leap at what I was offering? Instead, in that phone call, she was totally guilt-tripping me – for not offering what she preferred! I realised she had always knocked back every possibility except moving in with me permanently. Also, whenever I’d offered to drop in for a coffee with her at the motel where she was supposedly staying (because she would say how lacking in compassion this town is, and how much she longed for someone just to have a coffee with) there were always reasons for me not to do that just then.
When I thought back over all our conversations in detail, I realised how very manipulative she had been. I could see all the triggers that had worked on me so well.
She phoned me back next morning, and I told her I was rescinding all offers. ‘I can’t keep doing this,’ I said. ‘It’s too stressful. This relationship is unsustainable.’
‘Yes, I can hear how stressed you are,’ she said. ‘I think your doctor might be over-medicating you. It happened to my Mum, and it happened to me. It’s not ME causing your stress.’ She went on, but I talked over her to say a firm goodbye, hung up the phone, ignored her phone call that immediately followed and blocked her number. Whew!!! (Also did a tie cut and a banishing spell, with the intention keeping her out of my life henceforth.)
It finally occurred me that she was so good at the manipulation – because normally I have sensible boundaries – that maybe it was an actual con job (what we now call a scam). So I asked Google, and was told:
‘Yes, this is a well-known con… The tactic relies on vulnerability exploitation, where a con artist uses a fabricated or highly exaggerated sob story (such as escaping an abusive ex, sudden eviction, medical crisis, or family estrangement) to bypass your normal boundaries and secure a free place to live. Once inside, they can be incredibly difficult to evict.’
She had told me about all of those: the abusive ex, the threat of sudden eviction, medical crisis, and family estrangement!
She also had a funny way of saying, about some things she told me, including the name of the motel where she said she was staying, ‘Don’t tell anyone.’ I thought she had an exaggerated sense of privacy, but OK, I could respect that. (Duh! How to ignore red flags.)
One of her ploys was how terrible to be homeless at Christmas. I’m Pagan and Christmas doesn’t mean quite the same to me, so I was slow to pick up on that one, but I realise it might have worked very well with most people in our culture, particularly at this time of year.
Google also said:
‘The Rapid Set-up: The scammer quickly establishes an intense emotional connection with you (either romantically or as a “best friend”) to build trust.’
Yes, that too. Not best friend exactly, but certainly lovely new friend.
She said she wan’t on social media, but it’s possible that was a lie and she researched me. She was good at finding things we could bond over. However, I think it’s more likely she was opportunistic, practised at extracting relevant information, in conversation, from whoever she happened to target.
Google said a lot more. This one particularly applies:
‘Trust your gut: If the relationship feels like it is moving at lightning speed or you feel pressured by guilt, step back immediately.’
I did feel pressured by guilt. I thought I must be very selfish not to want her to move in with me. Thank God for the Housing Dept time limit on visitors! That is all that kept me from offering in the first place – until she suggested there might be a loophole. Also, luckily I never gave her my home address.
She did initially assume I owned my own home, but when I said, ‘No, I’m in a Housing Department unit,’ I added, ‘Of course, that gives me security of tenure.’ So I guess she then decided I was a worthwhile mark after all.
Anyway, I am posting this to warn others.